[Insert Incident] happened to me, you will be [amazed at/won’t believe/will be stunned by] what happened next!

I saw my first bear on Tuesday.

 

I mean, in person. Bearson. Obviously I know what a bear looks like, I have the internet. They bring it up here on thumbdrives by dogsled.

I've lived here for two and a half years and had so far managed to avoid certain death, but luck is a fickle, fickle bitch. I guess this is why people don't go hiking alone in the wilderness. I did not take a picture, because there was a bear. Fortunately I didn't die.

 

What I did do was spend several hours googling bears and bear attacks. For the less bear-aware out there, I have prepared the following:

7 Weird Life-Hacks That Will Absolutely 100% Protect You From Bear Attacks

1.  Don't live in Alaska.
   
2. If you do live in Alaska, move.
   
3. If you tried that and still somehow live in Alaska, build yourself an underground bunker. An old mining tunnel will do, Alaska has plenty of those.
   
4.  Two words: Pillow Suit
   
5. Never go outside.
   
6. Keep your will up-to-date, they are always out there. Waiting.
7.  

Because ALASKA